hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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