you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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