Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
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