i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Reggie can tackle my bush.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
