Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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