This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
There r osticjed everywhere
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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