I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize