you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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