My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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