Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
