If i could tip my vagina, i would.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
