are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
