don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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