so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
