is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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