K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
