you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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