I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
