i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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