Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
