Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
