We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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