The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
