Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize