Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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