it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
