that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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