It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
