From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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