Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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