I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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