I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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