If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
