new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
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