stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
