I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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