I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
