Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
