I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
