i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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