final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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