he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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