Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
