I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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