Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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