Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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