Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
