Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
