Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
