Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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