He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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