he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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