How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
we're so committed to being not committed
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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