It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
