Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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