after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
