Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize