I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
