so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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