Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
whose parrot is this?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
