On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
