im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
There are leaves in my underwear?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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