Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize