Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I deserve this hangover.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize