He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
