just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
