I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Randomize
