just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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