my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
