If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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