Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
